Take (Self) Care

(Editor's Note: I'm coming off two weeks of very little/sporadic rest, strep throat, a missed budget, and lots of work...)

So yesterday I walked past my mirror and caught a glimpse of myself... I was not pleased. Not only did my skin look blah and drab, but my hair looked dry and I looked fat (yet happy -- like literally, I was walking past singing a song very loudly and with a smile on my face, saw myself and my smile faded)... life has been really good as of late, yet my body shows a different story. So, I took a vow (didn't I already DO that??) to do better.

Money can be soooo tight sometimes, I often forget to take care of myself. After that mirror glimpse it dawned on me that in recent months, I stopped getting my regular mani/pedis, I'd went several more weeks than my normal four for retwisting my roots, I hadn't gotten my eyebrow maintenance, I'd put on a few pounds, I wasn't drinking much water, I hadn't washed my truck in Jehovah knows how long.... *sigh*

All very interesting seeing as how, I'm -- well I was -- the girl who wouldn't go so much as to the grocery store without making sure I was on the top of my game... maybe not stilettos and booty jeans for a store run but definitely cognisant of looking good and feeling my best. I haven't done that lately. Today, my sweetheart treated my car to a carwash. He called me and asked me to meet him there where he was getting his car done and grateful to not have it looking a mess, I immediately went. Throwing on an old pair of Adidas to top off my black lounge pants, I wrapped myself in muh black bubble Eddie Bauer and tied up my scarf... and headed out.

I got there and after we'd both finally got in, I went to sit next to him. In walks the chick that used to be me, dressed to impress even if only to go to the car wash. And I started to think.... what the HECK has happened to me?? I can't even blame it on being a mommy, cause as we all should by know, I've always deemed myself MILF status ever since I was good and pregnant.... but I've allowed my weight to literally control my mood. I'm not imaginative with my work wardrobe anymore... just kinda go with the flow. Since I'm on my feet all day, I avoid wearing heels often... I gave lots and lots of my shoes away to charity because I was originally to buy a bus load more... never happened... so, I went to buy some clothes for myself to give myself a boost in the right direction today... nothing huge, just a bit of retail therapy for my mood that matches my skin.

Ladies, have you been there before? In that spot where you just don't feel like yourself? How did you fix the problem? Or was it just an issue for the moment? I mean, really, sometimes I'm so bored and want to go out, but don't feel I look right in ANYTHING I put on. I used to know I was the hottest thing on my King's arm, lately I wonder if I don't get invited to something is it because he thinks I look drab too. lol... I laugh cause I'm serious.

I recently wrote a blog about us (ladies) not losing sight of ourselves in order to do our part to keep The Black Family strong and the excitement in our relationships.

In gist, I'm not feeling my normal overly confident self and I hate it... and I know it's something serious because I'm not even bleeding and I feel this way... for my guy readers, that means it's not the PMS talking. So consider this my two weeks notice. I'm going to start looking how I feel (which is really a whole other story in itself, does that mean when I was looking my very best I was secretly masking being unhappy?? Lawd... so many unanswered questions!) and taking charge of myself in the best of times and the worst of times...

Brings me back to the discussion (can't find the link) about how I am most motivated to lose weight and stay in shape when I am single and looking... ridiculous. I'm not announcing it to the world or anything, but I've got to get it together... I'm on it. No, seriously. It's time to be a little bit selfish.... cause how can I be the best mom and woman if I don't take care of myself first? I'm pretty dope at both now, so just imagine if I looked and felt I looked my best. I'm just adding some perspective... for myself.

Sometimes it's useful to be a little selfish and introspective otherwise you may just find yourself living someone else's life, achieving someone else's dreams or driving down a road with no destination or end game. ~ The Ripple Effect (Blog)

Photo Sources: http://www.wellspouse.org
http://rainbow120.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/self-esteem-training.jpg

Gotta Keep on Keepin On..

My life is hella funny.

The things I care about most seem to never be aligned at the same time, or if they are, for very long.

I dunno why that is... but I can't dwell on it either. You know? Like I can't wallow. I can't beg and plead for it to act right... I can only count on me.

I can't believe it's October. September ran right by. And I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to either.

During that month (my previous post) I touched on how my life was about to experience a lot of change, for the better. I started a new job (which I love) and had a lot of training (that hasn't yet ended) and trips and long days. My sun started school and that was a whole new experience for me. And then you throw in family life and trying to keep a house together... oy. My finances are still QUITE problematic, as I play catch-up and "oh man, I really can't pay that" lol but I am hoping things will turn around sooner than later. But don't get me wrong, it's very nice to have a steady paycheck coming in... starting this Thursday.

Work was a bit frustrating because NONE of my equipment was showing up. I just got an email last week. But still don't have my Blackberry, which will help organize my life.. a LOT. My Outlook calendar will be a busy, fun mess! But I need my stuff. I feel so... incomplete. I hope to be able to stop by the office in the a.m. on my way out to yet more training to pick it up, but we shall see. But I am truly, truly ready to have control again... I just don't know why I can't have it right now. I was doing SO well before my knee blew out. I am determined to get back there with more on my daily schedule. A truly committed person can make it work with a full day or nothing on her calendar at all. I gotta find my game face!

I've gotta stop procrastinating!

Like today, I've sat around all day. Had an emotional argument, break down, followed by complete confidence/dismissive attitude and then did NOTHING for the rest of the day. Didn't get our clothes ironed laid out, no lunches made, and now it's 10:37 CST. WTF..

I have GOT to do betta. Or I am just gonna continue to .... flail.

I need to be packing a lunch, EVERYDAY. This way I won't be eating whatever, in a rush. Granted when out of town or in training this is hard, because the meals are planned for me... but still. Where there is a plan, there is a will to win.

Furthermore, my whole job is based on making my own schedule, filling my own calendar. I am normally very organized... I just need to stop bullshitting... yes. There. I said it.

I know that I can DO it... no matta WHAT my day looks like. I CAN make good choices.. live my life, but in a healthy fashion, following my healthy lifestyle.

My team captain said it best: "I have the choice what I do with my spare 30 minutes. I have the choice what I put in my mouth. I have the choice how I react to stressful situations or emotions that arise. I am in control of my health."

(Oh ee oh, dancin in) September Epiphany

Well hello there! I'm still here... feelin fat and what not.

I've been on a celebratory binge to enjoy getting a job offer on Friday. In RETROSPECT, I did it a lot more controlled than I normally would. So for that, I am proud of myself. But I'm really trying to get back to business as usual.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna try out a run. On my knee. Pray for me.

This will be a very busy week for me planning meals, getting together a schedule I'm comfortable with, researching a YMCA near my (new) job for lunchtime workouts, getting a cooler for my car to house my food and snacks for the day, researching day cares and the like... it's cool cause for the first time in a long time, I find myself pulling out a gym bag from the storage area for lunchtime workouts... This is going to work, pun intended.

With September upon me... I must focus. I think getting a schedule about my day will help immensely. Now if only my (new) supervisor would call me about the lunch date we're supposed to have to discuss particulars. I'm too excited about this opportunity for it to fall through now... soooo... come on. I'll call him in the morning to see if we're still on.

In the meantime, I have two other day cares to check out tomorrow. Hopefully, will be able to make my choice by Friday.

I'm really, really excited about all that's going on... and I feel really good about the progress I'll make. Before when I wasn't working, working out was my sanctuary and then it was taken from me with the knee stuff... but now it will be an addition to my actual LIFE. Hopefully... oyee... call me back! haha

30 x 30 Challenge
So today is the first of my favorite month ~ September. I adore fall... and it is the welcome to it. I am determined to center my chi and focus to drop (not lose, because when you lose things you ultimately find them) 30 pounds to my goal weight. Exactly 19 weeks to my 30th birthday. And I have a plan in mind... I wish I could stay in reflective mode ALL DAY because that is when I am my best. I really miss my runs, so I AM going to get up in the morning and give one a good old try.. and pray like hell it doesn't hurt or irk.

SO.. I'm gonna keep it to 1200-1350 calories.. I'm going to see about getting through the months of September with no red meat or pork and no more than 4 oz of meat a day. Lots of fruit and veggies.

A (hopeful) C25K run 3 times a week.

Strength training through Chalene Extreme... MUST get through this 3-month program.

When all is said and done... my goals will come into existence but I definitely need to:

1. Stop getting down on myself when I do slip.
2. Turn every negative into a positive until the negatives disappear.
3. BELIEVE in myself.
4. Learn how to control my impulses and celebrations.

Through a steady routine of running and strength training... I must emerge.

I'm tired ya'll... tired of not living to my potential. Tired of not being the size I'm supposed to be... the health I deserve... the energy I need... but I can't continue to talk about it. In fact... I'm tired of that too. It's time for action. And I know I have had epiphany's before... or thought I did... but I'm seriously done... talking.

Time for some action.

This September of 2009 is the beginning of my new life, a healthier life with my sun, my love and working hard for the things I want to keep me grounded.

Time for some action.

Weekly Reflection... Percentages... Injured Randomness...

So with weigh-in upon me... this day has been an energetic ride uphill... hard. I've been reflecting since I woke up from my late nap (6 p.m.) My food tracking has been kinda shady and sporadic the last couple days. And I got on the scale and saw a number I didn't appreciate despite seeing a number I appreciated yesterday. Now, because I know it's not always good to weigh yourself everyday, and ESPECIALLY not different times everyday, I wasn't trippin too much on the numbers/difference but it DID make me wonder about how truly committed to this I am. With a sore knee pickin at me since Tuesday, I've wondered about everything about it from it being a simple sprain that will fade with time to an injury that will be with me for the rest of my life. I immediately (in my world) was angry with myself because well, our knees suffer from the pressure of our body weight more than any other joint. And here I am 30 lbs heavier than I should be. Of course my poor knee is gonna whine. *sigh* Then I thought about my poor tracking.. knowing how important it is to journal food... how could I let this fall by the wayside? I want to be in MAINTENANCE MODE by the winter... how in the heck can I get there if I am not committed EVERYDAY?

So I started thinking, what percentage am I giving?

Anyone can log a thousand fitness minutes a week but if that person is still eating trash... the results will be less than stellar.

Likewise, if one is eating clean without any activity, you'll see the difference but muscle tone and strength and overall health are lessened...

These two are interchangeable... and once I really realize that, perhaps that is when I will really start to morph and see that. I have to learn to balance life, love and all that's in between for myself... to get to 100% committed. Nothing less than that will do. With that said, I've decided to start sharing my food trackers. Not that anyone will really read them, but knowing that someone might... perhaps that'll keep me accountable.

Blah... It seems I'm in a mood.

Blame the "injury"... reflections eternal.

Runner In Progress

WELP, I did it!!! I started week four today!!! I blogged about how I was gonna abort the last day of week 3 and move on to week 4 since I felt so comfortable.

Week four consists of two five-minute runs and two 3-minute runs with various shorter walking spurts. I FINISHED!!! I ran each segment I was supposed to, didn't stop. *SMILES PROUDLY* I am so proud of myself, ya'll... you really don't understand.. I could tear up a little bit.

I feel great.

Not saying it wasn't a challenge... Of course Oh Shila started whining a little bit, but I just made sure to cool down, taking the speed down on the walking, walking pigeon-toed then sleuth footed, then pigeon toed etc... whatever adjustments to calm her down then I hit my run intervals again. Making sure to take my time and stretch really well, holding each move for 20-30 seconds after a 8-minute cool down. For a total of 35 minutes of activity. I was running at about 4.5 for the first interval (3 minutes) but knew that I would probably have to take it down some after the 90-second interval because next us was FIVE MINUTES! Eep!! Shila's ass was like, oh no HONEY! I don't know WHAT you thought this was!" But I was like, "shut the hell up and hook it up!" :-) In every relationship there needs to be compromise, so I took my speed down to 3.8. I felt like I was walkin in sand, BUT I can work on speed later. Let me get her to cooperate first then we'll start doing competitive timing. We'll stick to this for a few weeks and then we'll reassess, deal, Shila?

There are little euphoric feelings like that of doing your workout, completing it and being in line with your caloric intake. It's enough to make me emotional. Next run is Tuesday morning, but KNOW that the work doesn't take a rest until then. Condition! Condition! Condition!

I see my runner's body hanging in the closet with those smaller clothes with the tags still on them... and I am gunning for em all. This is goin to be a GREAT first week to kick off August and round off the summer. Let's do it!

"I got the pepper!"

OK, so even tho Shila started whining at around 11 minutes, I am smiling about my morning run to complete W2D3 of C25K Training. For those of you who have had the unfortunate pleasure of hearing me complain during Week 2, you know I got very frustrated that my new shoes didn't take care of an irritated shin splint that started getting louder as I increased my run intervals...

But I am proud to say that I could not have planned my run better this morning. Shila was patient with me, the TV in front of the treadmill was playin a symbolic message and my iPod playlist was "jammin on the one!" Allow me to explain:

OK, so a little back story, after Wednesday's dreadfulness, I started stretching and stretching hard, yesterday I was scared to do any form of anything worried about how it would affect my run today... but alas, thanks to a challenge via Spark People, I did my last chance workout and got in my Burn Circuit 3 Strength Training session and a 20-minute Turbo Jam aerobics session before bed.

I stretched some more afterwards and then took a hot bath where I stretched some more... and my bath, was simply awesome. HOT water, Rosemary drops, eucalyptus bubbles, Epsom salts and lil ol sore me. It was soooo nice. I am not really a bath person, but I am definitely squeezing in one of these as part of my weekly routine which by the way is tweaking a little bit to incorporate my run.. and changing my off day(s) a little bit. I'll talk about this later... back to how great my run was.

The title of this blog (for non-Cosby Show junkies) comes from one of my favorite episodes where Cliff (Bill Cosby) is asked to run in a 4 X 400 relay as a special race between his alma mater and their old rival! And his coach, to ask him how he was feeling, would ask him if he got the pepper! Meaning, (in non-Cosby like speak) "are you ready to kick this race's ass?!" OK, so not very exciting if you've never run track, but for me it was a nice little sign that the run might not be as bad as I anticipated it... cause, I can't front, I went in today a little confident, but also a little scared. But after that, "I got the pepper!"

Secondly, the first song to kick off my 5-minute brisk walk was "More" by Rhymefest.
No matter how much I get (I want more)
Even when I talk my shit (I want more)
Every party on every list
And everybody want a life like this
But still (I want more)
Which helped cause I do expect more out of myself now that I am getting older. I really am going to kick this fit thing in the butt... for good! Every song after that was great too... I compiled the playlist (143 songs total) and shuffle it every run morning, but sometimes a song I love comes on at the wrong moment of my run and I have to switch. I didn't have to switch once today... yah!!

Third and lastly, today, I am going to Fleet Feet off a recommendation from my Pers (Sorority Sister) about how they examine your run and stride and tell you what kind of shoes you need based on your assessment. In gist, they really analyze everything about your run from your feet to your stride to determine how to make your run experience the most comfortable. Since we are in a recession, I simply can't afford to toss the $75 shoes I just bought and get new ones, so hopefully a simple insert will help much. Monday begins Week 3 and I won't enjoy 3-minute jog intervals if Shila's ass is nagging me the whole time. So hopefully this consultation will garner some great realizations... because I WILL RUN my first 5K this fall. You just better damn believe it!

So the weekend is generally a time for resting for me, but with the new schedule Sundays will be my first day of the week for strength. This particular weekend will be more intense because in the morning I am going on a 7.7-mile hike in Busse Woods (when Saturday is usually my rest day) with some Walking Group friends of mine. So, I will need to stretch and act right because Monday is back to the tread again.

So, new schedule will be as follows:

Sunday: Burn Circuit 1, stretching
Monday: C25K Training, stretching
Tuesday: Burn Circuit 2, stretching
Wednesday:
• C25K Training
• Burn Intervals
• Ab Burner
• Stretching
•Special Bath

Thursday: Burn Circuit 3, stretching
*Friday:
• C25K Training
• Burn It Off (Cardio)
• Recharge (Intense Yoga-like stretching)

Time for breakfast... *still smiling*

* Because Friday is so intense, I will classify this as my last chance workout... I will now weigh myself once a week for official numbers early Saturday mornings.

"If Your Core Is Weak, Nothing Else Can Be Strong"

The Core is the center... make no mistake my friend, if your core is weak -- you are weak! I don't care how long you have been riding a bike, how lean you are, how fast you are or how quick you can climb. Your core strength and durability is the lifeblood of ongoing cycling strength and performance. ~http://www.cyclo-club.com/public/department163.cfm

So here I am at the third workout day of my five-workout day plan... the day calls for two workouts: Burn Intervals and Ab Burner. The problem I ran into when I first started the program, I was so exhausted that I would not do Ab Burner. But today, I did the intervals, ate some breakfast, rested, later ate lunch and then did Ab Burner. It was shorter than I originally remember; only 10 measly minutes and I could only get through five of them. I was totally disgusted with myself. I've always said my core is just a disgrace. I wish I could excuse it on having a baby two years ago, but that would be a lie since it was weak before then... and I know it takes time and patience and everyone is always telling me I need to exercise (pun intended more patience. But it's hard... especially when damn near starting from scratch. 

My Wii Fit even tells me in my balance tests that my posture needs work. I will be shifted to the left some days, the right other days and then some days I have PERFECT posture, but to me, I am standing awkwardly. Isn't that odd? Have you ever experienced this? A strong core helps keep your body aligned properly and is helpful in all fitness levels and activities. With optimal alignment, your fatigue is likely to hold off longer as you get stronger. Hence why it's imperative for runners and swimmers to learn/practice good form... it helps then endure through the race by keeping fatigue at bay. Have you ever seen someone running in the park with arms and legs flailing like a chicken? They look flushed and in pain and tired like they're gonna pass out? Yeah, bad posture leads to bad form... which leads to fatigue. 

So even though I only got through five minutes, I'm gonna keep the faith that toward the later part of the month I can get through all 10 minutes. Because the core, is not just about abs -- thank God! My core is gonna get stronger with all the strength training that goes along with this program. Our core is actually comprised of our upper back and shoulders (aka as the head carriage) gluteals (pelvis), obliques and our abs. This workout thankfully works all of those. In my defense, Chalene does a more advanced ab session for that 10 minutes, but it would be nice to get through it. At any rate, it's over now. And tomorrow morning is a new day for the kid. 

Off to take a shower and a nap... I feel pretty good... even if I am down on myself right now. So used to being fit and really good at this stuff. It just caught me off guard to not be able to finish it. I'm highly competitive. Apparently, even with myself. 

Simply put, a strong core is equivalent to overall health... and I want to get there. 

Have a productive, strong workout today! 

30 Days to Form a Habit

I had a little bout of the lazies directly after getting back from Florida. And that lazy turned into my new habit vs. doing my program.

I knew I should have taken my workout with me, but I just couldn't see toting my weights in my suitcase. In hindsight, I could have packed my bands and just did altered moves because once you stop for a bit it's hard to get back in it because the pain you have to prepare for is all brand new. And brand new pain is worse than "feeling the burn" pain.

At any rate, I've still been eating well and haven't gained any weight and I'm ready to get back in the "habit." I've been a busy bee, with different volunteer work and working my job(s) but I've also been looking for new contracts and work. So I haven't been totally useless and up until last night, I hadn't touched my bar since Cinco de Mayo. Progress indeed... but last night I made a couple Screwdrivers to take the edge off after a conference call of inaccuracy and ineptitude.

Be that as it may, I will start using a calendar (I look at one every day at my desk) to plan out what I should be doing... because in essence, I should be working out in the early mornings, scheduling a part of my day to study, working a block of hours etc.

If it's one thing I am coming to terms with is that I will be 30 in a little more than seven months and there's so many things I need to get together professionally and personally by (preferably before) then. My work situation, weight situation, etc. are going to do nothing but discourage me extra if I am still experiencing the woes with them as an full-fledged adult. I say that not saying I'm not an adult now, I'm as adult as they come but there's something serious about leaving your 20s behind.

This Sunday, I will be Biking the Drive. And I bought a new bike on Sunday when I was volunteering for early registration and packet pick-up for the event. I fell in love with The Globe:
a lil hybrid baby like the one pictured, but in silver. She even has a lil bell. :)
I had been contemplating for months on what kind of bike to get. And after test riding a couple, this one was the winner. I also bought a helmet, say whaaaat? I can't wait to ride it this Sunday, but lookin forward to putting plenty of miles on her.

They say the drive is beautiful, so my friends and I are gonna get out there at the very beginning (5:30 a.m.) and ride Lake Shore Drive and watch the sun rise... and then have a nice pancake breakfast afterwards.... soooo looking forward to it.
So, SUNDAY is the (official) day where I will have my stuff back together. I am letting that be the symbolic beginning of my fit life... again... and 30 days to form a habit... I think I'd only done the program a few weeks before Florida came around. I have got to shake this stagnance that tries to overcome me... continue to live freely even when life tries to hinder me. You know?

Can you commit to something for 30 days to make it a habit? Let's start today. For me, that means starting to remodel the house. I will be starting that today in just a few hours. Tell me what your commitment will be... and let's do it together.

Challenges, Box Braids, and Letting Go to Let God...

I am well on my way to the Promise Land.

In addition, I have been tracking everything all day today both on paper and online and am well w/in my range. I decided to let my body rest some today since I did big sets of cardio and strength yesterday. I usually do a smaller set of cardio on strength days but I needed to blow off some steam so before I knew it I was doing something crazy.

Emotionally, I am not in the best place, but it makes me happy to know that I am dealing with those emotions in a positive way vs. eating up any and everything. I am apart of a "Biggest Loser" challenge in an online community and it's a bit intense. In competitions I tend to get a little "Jillian-like" (Jillian is the new trainer of the black team on the Biggest Loser) and I am working on that. I've always been very competitive. Ever since I was a small child. Not in the sore loser kind of way, I didn't mind losing the few times I did ("Second is not an option”) but more so in the "I trained harder than you, I deserve more than you" kind of way. The thing about competitions though is that they are big on teamwork and that teamwork aspect of the BL TV show is that they are all always in constant communication with the others...living on the same campus. It's hard to recreate that same atmosphere online of all places. We don't have trainers making sure we get up and go, so everything is basically you're accountable for your own actions. SO, because of this it would only be right to have completely fair moderators over the whole shebang. Not so much since this competition began and it made me want to work harder to make sure my team puts up impressive numbers... but already, I see that the enthuuuusiasm has dwindled to a little yawn vs. a big roar! Did I mention I hate to lose? And when I bear witness to those kinda attitudes I want to go crazy on several someone’s.

And I wonder if this is all unhealthy for someone who is studying to be a personal trainer or if this is all NECESSARY for someone who is studying to be a personal trainer. I really don't know. I do know that I am passionate about healthy living and being our healthiest selves and that I can communicate that in person much better than I ever could online via message boards.

I've been in and out of moods lately... I'm not quite sure what my deal is, but I have way too much on my mind. I have been studying and trying to make myself a better person. I have to learn to pray in difficult times to overcome the adversity of an argument so that my words aren't tear-filled and overly emotional. But it's something that's not going to change about me overnight. I do need to continue doing what I'm doing though: studying, building my faith, my knowledge, believing I can make myself better and achieve my goals and leave the worrying to my God.

In the meantime, I enter week 2 of box braids (love them!) and I weighed in today for wonderful news. I was down 2.4 pounds for a total of 4.8. :D My body isn't looking much different. I think that's because pregnancy has changed my shape. But I can't worry about that now. I have begun... to arrive. I will admire the finished product when it makes debut.