Clarity (Day 8)

I remember why I didn't truly care for the MC before now... not even so much the not eating aspect, but the clarity. Because it's so mental, the mind works overtime to keep you motivated to finish but at the same time, it's open to everything. In 2005 I thought about so much of how things could be different in my life that during those five days I decided to move back to Chicago to be with the majority of my family, but also to try a relationship wid a man I never told how I felt. Because I'm a Capricorn, I'm stubborn by nature though and by the time I got here in 2006, I'd completely changed my mind. Because I'd hurt him already and didn't want him (a Capricorn as well) to shun me. Like we do. lol I also thought about starting my own business, something else I didn't follow through on with a serious mindset. It's like once I returned to the land of the eating, clarity diminished something terrible.

Yesterday I had the displeasure of being spoken to like a child, by my boss. For no reason. It irritates me some that I continue to work for people who have their own companies or positions of power and don't know professionalism from a hole in the wall. It's like, are you cereal? Furthermore, she was frustrated not with MY performance, but because she was having a bad day and her administration is confused, unorganized and dropped the ball on something. Whatevs... can't sweat the small stuff... furthermore, that's not what caused my emotional breakdown right before I was so exhausted that I passed out. Literally. Thank goodness my sun was already in bed with me. I didn't even see sleep coming. I didn't have a chance. And slept soundly until he climbed on me saying good morning this a.m.

I woke wid those same discouraging feelings. I need to purge all toxins... not just from my body it seems. I've just noticed a massive increase in emotions while fasting. And I wonder if this is normal. Is it the mental clarity that comes along wid fasting? I spent all last night crying my eyes out over things I cannot change and that's not even my style. I've been through a lot the past 4-5 months and life's changed a lot... I wonder if I haven't really had a minute or desire to think about it until now and all this mind power to stay focused on finishing is getting redirected to that of all these other thoughts my mind locked away? I'm sure no other fasters will be able to relate and I'm just weird.... story of my life. lol

At any rate, SWF done.

No tea last night tho... so this should be interesting.

p.s. my teeth feel funny and I'm friggin freezing.

Perspective (Day 6)

Soooo, I felt kinda like an asshole after my last post after I really took time to put things into perspective. Millions of people worldwide have no choice but to "fast" daily, only they call it starvation. And here I am volunteering to go without food to better my spiritual and mental clarity and cleanse my digestive system while giving it a rest and have the audacity to complain about it! Le sigh... I will try best not to whine anymore in regards to this. In the same breath I was reminded by a support group poster that while that may be true... what I was choosing to put into my body wasn't always wholesome foods and beverages and that I was in a sense abusing food and liquor. "Just because it is available does not mean that we use food in a way that is positive," she said and she's so right. I can't begin to discuss how many times I stopped at a fast food drive thru to pick up something ladened with fat and very little nutritional value in the last month. Way too many times.

I concluded that food smells definitely had a lot to do with the moods yesterday because today I was OK. When I did the MC in 2005, I didn't have a child. While I had a roommate it wasn't a shared meal household unless we made it such, so it was easy to disassociate myself and confine myself to my room for the time of the fast. I can't do that with my sun however, he has to eat and I am responsible for feeding him. I got that out the way yesterday tho and he's good for the rest of the week. Which works well for me because heating up things isn't as much of a problem and tempt as cooking a full meal. Furthermore he just wanted yummy snacks today mostly... so he got things like granola, raisins, yogurt, fruit... you get the point. Sometimes he's a picky eater.

I got up this morning and after prayer, did 20 minutes of yoga poses via the Wii Fit. Got some optimal stretching in after taking a day off yesterday to do nothing but laundry. The bloating yesterday was a new feeling. It's not an issue today. My legs are still a lil tender from my 5-mile walk Saturday but stretching and yoga helped immensely. I opted not to drink tea tonight. I will attempt to do a SWF at 6 a.m. rise to see what happens before I leave at 7:30 since I have to work. If I sleep in, I prolly won't do a SWF at all and just tea it up twice tomorrow. I don't want to be blowing up the bathroom at my job! I usually do all my releases in the a.m. and chill for the rest of the day so as long as I can crawl out of bed to get it done, I should be OK. For a change, not only have I already packed both our bags, I also picked out our outfits AND ironed them. Now to just pour my concoction into my thermos (cayenne already packed) so I am hoping for a good mornin and an early start.

Not much longer before sweet yummy orange juice and vegetable soup.

Forward!